Pure Happiness

So Ben is gone this week...he left Sunday he'll be back Friday.  I was actually kind of looking foward to this week.  Truth be told.  My house is the biggest disaster it could possibly be.  It's a nightmare.  I'm behind on laundry....zach might have to wear Sadie's jeans to school tomorrow....and you CANNOT see the floor in ANY place in my upstairs...except Zachs room.  And now mine becaue I cleaned last night.  I vow to have the house 100% clean by the time ben gets home.  It WILL happen...along with grocery shopping because I'm pretty sure it's been 3 weeks since i've actually shopped....oh and there's sitting at baseball for 2 hours everynight because the field is so far away and practicing the organ because fast sunday was last week and is again in 2 weeks.  That is such a huge source of stress and pressure in my life right now.   You know I haven't been feeling good ....i can't hardly do the things my family needs let alone go to the church several times a week and practice.  Plus I feel really nervous for when I have a baby and have to go practice.  Maddie goes and plays in the gym...but a baby isn't going to be so accommadating.  Why do I worry so much?  Anyway that is not the point of this post....Point is this past weekend was not good for me.  I felt terrible....I think spring break caught up wiht me and I was wiped out by friday.  That makes me feel sick.  Good thing is I must really know how to party it up right :)
But today I see a small light at the end of the tunnel.  I think my house will look pretty darn good by friday....and that deserves a reward....like relaxing all weekend since ben will be back....and watching it all fall apart again :) does anyone else live in this terrible cycle?!  I need to break it!
So Kyle is doing a Culture report in school.  He decided he wanted to do the Peruvian culture because that is where ben served his mission.  I was digging through old photos today finding them for Kyle.  I guess they have to glue the pictures onto a vest they are making to represent their culture.  A VEST?!  seriously?!  how about a poster?  instead we have to put these kids in weird paper bag vest and parade through the school to show them off.   i'm not joking...i wish I was.  Maybe kyle will be sick that day.
BUT i found a picture that I always smile when I come across .... it's ben and i about 3 weeks after he got home from his mission taken up at ricks.  right after our first kiss.  (crazy right....I was with him the whole weekend that he got home and there a hug and a few hand holds...he was in mission mode...come to think of it he said he was never going to stay up later than 10pm and he was going to start combing his hair on a side part...no more "spikes" in front) wow glad that didn't last long
And in case you are wondering  Yes I am wearing overalls in this picture.  It was 2001 people...they were still cool! Anyway I love this picture.  I always think "pure happiness" when i see it

number 5

I'm doing eveything i possibly can to avoid that mountain of laundry.  ugh.
Here's where I am going to talk about being pregnant with baby #5.  I am 13 weeks.  Thankfully the worst of my "morning" really all day sickness subsided about 3 weeks- a month ago.  I still throw up occationally but at least i can function...sort of :)  I was in a bad place for about 2 months.  I'm so lucky it didn't last like 4 1/2 like it did wiht Kyle and pretty close with Madelyn.  There was no cooking going on here.  I did work out still (most of it would hit about 2:00pm)  NOTHING was good or sounded good.  not even mcd's.  if you know me you know I love the golden arches...not then it was gross.  I couldn't even think about going there.  Don't even get me started at how much I hated Diet Coke.  I think one of the worst thigns was the overproduction of saliva and the constant disgusting taste in my mouth.  Enough about my lowest of the low point.  I thought I was never going to like food again.  I am slowlyliking food again.....i still don't like beef.  at all.  I could be a vegetarian right now and be totally happy.
So far I have to say this pregnancy has been A LOT harder than 4 years ago when I was prego with Madelyn.  My body is old.  it's tired. oh so tired. I told a friend today I'm afraid for the end.  the end of the pregnancy that is.  Sunday was a little depressing listening to general conference and realizing i'll still be pregnant during the next conference!!!! Do I sound like a downer or what?
yesterday I was in Old Navy in the TINY maternity section where a mom was there shopping with her prego daughter.  She was probably 6 months pregnant with her first.  She was really cute...trying on clothes over her clothes I guess...wishing that's what they would look like on me!  The mom says to me when are you due?  I said October...she says wow you have a long time left I can't believe you are in maternity clothes already.  (um rude....who says that to a pregnant girl).  I stopped looking through the shirts turned to her and said "It's my 5th".  (enough said....the look on my face probably conveyed my annoyance) Her daughter practically yelled YOUR 5TH???!!!! yes what number do you think I just said? 5  yes it was by choice.  yes I wanted  to kill my children in old navy (who doesn't) so yes I looked like I was crazy.  I'm really not.  I love my kids.  I love my family.  It's the most important thing in the world.  And yes I am really excited to have a big family.  But I am never doing this again, EVER.  If I even mention the word baby you have my permission to slap me and help me remember how much harder it is the older I am.  Something about passing the age 30 and pregnant doesn't go well together.   :)  but I am SO excited for this (pictured below) then all of this will be worth it.